Work – Life Balance

A significant amount of my practice is comprised of professionals who struggle with what they call “work-life balance.” It is common for me to hear that phrase in an initial session. I often hear of the growing anger that comes from that struggle to be available at home. Busy professionals come home after working difficult jobs and feel spent. But more importantly the job comes home with them, in their head. They hear the internal language reminding them what needs to happen next. It warns them not to take their eye off the ball. It tries to keep them prepared for tomorrow’s responsibilities. “How will you respond to that email?” The watchful mind wants to make sure you do well. “What if I upset someone with that request!” 

There is always something to think about, ruminate on, if you allow it. Work never has to end, if you are always available to it. People have been encouraged to consider “work-life balance” as a proposition of time. You balance your time. Don’t bring work home. When you are at home, you should spend your time with family. But, it is actually notabout time. When work follows you home, in your head, it is also spending family time with you. The goal is more about the quality of your cognitive-behavioral health. 

A client recently came to my office and said, “My fuse keeps getting shorter and shorter.” He was getting angry at home all the time. His kids were avoiding him. His wife was confused about how to help. He wanted to simply stop being an angry person. He asked for anger management. It is interesting when people refer to the problem as if you simply “manage” your anger; as if it has its place and needs to be contained there. His problem was the classic issue of not being able to truly be at home. His mind was filled with workplace worries and planning. He had never practiced mindfulness, and never considered that he could actually not be concerned about events that were not actually happening in the present moment.

When clients come to me with these issues they almost always present with enormous shame. They want to be a good spouse and parent. They are letting people down. They have done and said things that they are ashamed of. They want me to know that they are better than this. I always want to hear about the parent and spouse they want to be. I want them to declare their values. I want to be able to praise these noble goals, and focus on how reachable they are. Therapy starts with that wonderful step of defining values, and setting behavioral goals. 

In this example, the goal is not creating a longer fuse. It is not about managing anger. The goal is being clear on who you are, and how you want to live that life. Mindfulness comes into play. It always does. But what do you do in that wonderful space it creates? When you develop the ability to defuse from that worried and demanding voice in your head, what will you do? In that moment, you get to be the parent you want to be, or the spouse or friend. In therapy, we make sure that you have charted that course well so you know what that opportunity is. So, ultimately it is not about simple reducing or “managing” behavior that we are ashamed of. It is much more about developing and shaping the behaviors that we are most proud of. As we see ourselves living the way we want to live, it reinforces our values. We see them in action. We notice ourselves being who we truly are.